...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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