Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
