I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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