just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
