I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
