a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
