It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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