my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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