Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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