I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
