Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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