Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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