Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
