This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
