Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
