my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
