i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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