if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
