true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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