the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
