I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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