My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
