There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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