Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
