oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Found the puke drawer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
