dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
