So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
They have beer where we have blood.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
