Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
