i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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