btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
