What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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