Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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