She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
