We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
