I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
