Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
