I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
