I need to stop coming to work sober
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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