I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
