after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
