everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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