Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
