margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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