I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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