hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
