I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
