we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
