Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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