): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
