The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
