im having a threesome with these popsicles
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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