You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
