So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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