I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
