I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
